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Mostly in the morning I was feeling excellent after having food and a shower. It wasn’t until it came to the point of cleaning the floors, that I was battling many thoughts. Mentally my mind was battling with the enjoyment of doing such activities. This being while I finally got to do such activities in leg irons attached with handcuffs. Albeit this not being the first time I have ever cleaned for a sir as in my opinion it what is my ultimate purpose is in life. The first time though for cleaning in a full set of restraints was a challenge to say the very least. I did enjoy that challenge of cleaning in such restraints more than anything in some of my various bondage experiences in the past. The restriction felt the best to me for some odd mental reason. It was not until after the chores of washing the floors, that my mind had finally broke. It was to me when I was led to a dark cell, that was practically pitch black, in a hogtie position face forward on my stomach, that I felt what was like ten minutes I finally completely started to cry so hard. The feeling that I would feel like this visit to the German prison would be to short. I kept reflecting all about my life and what purpose do I feel like I have in life. I have battled so many thoughts and feel that my life purpose is to live in a sense mostly restricted. I wanted t never leave this prison as I am afraid of my life back on the outside and primarily that of the United States.
I have nothing worth living back in the United States which as a country whom has left me to die with poverty. I have felt like such a failure for practically almost trying to leave this prison a day earlier. I got to a point mentally and physically that I wasn’t feeling so good. The amount of stress I have as well as anxiety is not healthy. As for a select percentage of people there are those that need safe and secure rooms and there apparently is not an easy way to be in one aside from getting arrested. I am jealous of the people that don’t have this problem and sometimes wish I could swap places with such people. I wish I had a good income and could operate my own private prison and claim a cell of my own. I feel that the best lifetime situation would combine having a locking room aka a cell but also a few more things for mental stability and to be able to continue learning.
Communication to some degree is important and having a computer and phone be better for parts of the day especially to work on projects. I wish my $778 USD that I make a month would get me this goal and being a European resident. I wonder what options in a humanitarianism situation could grant me that ability to stay here legally aside from some form of civil union it feels so helpless. I wish wasn’t so hard to find a residence permit. I feel that having to go back to the United States eventually my plans are to give up trying to keep myself medically healthy don’t exist as I have nothing to live anymore. If I don’t have the ability to leave the United States behind within a few months to come here permanently I can not foresee living the suffering anymore. It has come to a time that United States needs to go farewell and I want nothing more than to destroy that ugly passport that gets me nowhere being a citizen of hell on Earth.