I wish I was worthy to be loved and to be wanted. I wish that I could have my happiness back but what good ever comes to those who do good for others? I have gone out of my way so many times to help people and when I need it I can not find it. I am all alone in this world and am tired of fighting for a life where I have to be all alone. I don’t have anything left to keep going for as I can not get to live in Europe. People would rather make sure I am made fun of daily in America. I get so fed up with people playing there games and I am going to fly away from here as soon as I get another 4,000 bucks to spend a couple of months abroad. I don’t want to die all alone anymore and I regret that I even came back cause now I’m dying in pain. I have no fucking friends in this country. I have nothing left when I finally die and that will make the best happiness anyone could ever want. I do not need any more pain in my life and don’t deserve to be left like this. Fucking sick of others playing there games and not letting me have my happiness. I wish I had jumped on the metro rail in Helsinki, Finland as I would have left this world happy and with people around me instead I come back to America where no one cares about me and I am crying myself to sleep every night. I wish I was not led on by losers who really do not help or care to be real. I want to be locked up in restraints and locked in a jail cell. I want to feel safe and secure and have my happiness as well. I wish I was worthy of something and not such a failure in life.

I wish I had the opportunity of a lifetime to be able to be loved and wanted in life. I wish that someone would give me that chance in Europe. I have nothing left in life to keep going for. I have shitty medical care and live in a third world country called America. This place is the worst country in the world that I have sadly lived 31 years to long in. The New Years will mark the end of the pain as I will no longer have medications for my life. I will no longer have what I need to fight anymore. I will no longer be able to have the basics in life. I will no longer see happiness as it has been ripped beneath me by some cruel people. I wanted to live in Finland and never will have that opportunity my skills are not good enough for anyone. I am told that I should kill myself daily and not even held or loved. I will say goodbye soon as I no longer need to live in a world of pain and hurt.

I hate how my time was wasted by this piece of utmost garbage who is unable to love. I wish I could have my life be important to someone as I am going to die in America from the lack of healthcare. I have no friends here in this dump country and am left to die. I wish there was someone that would actually help. I am tired of this I care bullshit and I want to help you but when it comes to committing an action they do not actually do what is needed to help. I can not wait as karma will come back to those who fucked me over. Being selfish is great for the person who is being selfish but not for the one who tried to care for a deadbeat. I wish never spent seven dates with a fucking loser who can not love. I fucking have to die because I can not be in Europe. I want to fucking die today and not have to suffer this pain. If I am so special then why am I treated like I am a piece of garbage. I wish I could be in the ground not having to feel these emotions anymore because I am all alone.

I’m so alone and wishing was wanted in my life. I want to live in Finland and am tired of the abuse I get from others back in America. I wish I had a resident permit to stay but can not find anyone who isn’t selfish to give me that opportunity. I wish I was blessed with a better life but seems like I will die in the hell of my own country. Why is it others can find a job and a better life versus me? Why is it so hard to find my chance? I see others have opportunities that don’t take advantage of what they have. I’d gladly learn Finnish language if I could live here. I’m so tired of the pain and hurt of having no one in America care about me.

I guess people just don’t care about me enough to make a commitment. I didn’t ask for any of the issues I deal with. I just want one fucking opportunity to be able to live in happiness. Is it too much to ask to be given even one year abroad and an opportunity to be in Europe? I dream of living in Finland and to have my happiness. I am afraid the only option I have to end my suffering is to end the pain and give up living another day. I do not know why anyone should have to suffer in the way that I do. I should have the ability to have happiness and security just like everyone else. I really feel like there is nothing left to keep fighting for. I just have nothing left to keep going for anymore. I do not want to have to leave Finland but there is never a miracle for people like me. It’s the people in United Shits of Assholes that is the hugest problem. A country that is full of the most downright nasty diseased people that are all in it for themselves. The medical in America sucks and they are slowly killing me. I am told by doctors I deserve to live in pain and then am left with no recourse for my health. I really do not want to continue to live in a country where being disabled is a crime and that they have to continue to suffer.

I am getting so tired of the country I was born in. I can not get proper medical care from my own country. The United States continues to persecute me and the medical system is a complete fail. I don’t want to suffer another day in this cruel country. The people who make fun of me and my HIV is getting old. I literally suffer from severe depression and anxiety because of how people reject me and make fun of me for being a human being. I did not choose to be depressed nor did I choose to be stuck in this shit hole. Even money will not give me what I desire. I would do anything to trade places with someone in Finland that has a resident permit. I literally could be having fun and happiness if I was given even a year to live in Finland. I wish there would be someone out there that would give me that opportunity to be able to work there. Is there anyone who wants a gay guy that has a heart full of love? Is there anyone out there that cares more than how much money I make and whats in my bank account? I honestly want that chance in life to have my happiness. I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night and stuck in this situation. Everyday I continue to give kindness to everyone around me. I am also worthy of being loved in this world and I should have the same opportunities others have to spend time in Finland and reside there. I am going back to Finland in October to celebrate my birthday a week before Halloween. I can only hope that my miracle will present itself this time around. It is so hard to feel happy for someone else having the time of their lives while I am behind here feeling the rejection in my own area. I rather be dead then to come back to America and I am tempted to give up the pain when I arrive.

I am tired of taking HIV meds for the rest of my useless life. I do not have the compassion available to me in the United States. This country has failed me and I am done taking pills to prolong my suffering. I did not ask to be born here I did not ask for shitty healthcare. I did not wish to be born here and everyday I put up with so much mental abuse. I will not survive much longer here unless something massive happens. My healthcare is failing in this country and I wish there would be someone out there who has compassion to make a difference in my life. I can not believe that people are so greedy over fucking money. Its the root of all evils and I find that hard to believe that someone out there could show me compassion. I don’t have a lot in my life financially but what I do have is love and compassion for those in this world. I want my chance to move to Europe.

[wpedon id=469]

I was never blessed with the luck of being a European citizen. I also was not blessed with where I wish I was born. I am stuck in a situation I wish I could get out of. Another day of pain goes by and the tears stream down my face. I wish that I could have the chance to become a European resident. I wish I could get a residence permit to live in Finland as I felt it was the most perfect country to be in. I felt love by someone special for the first time in over 6 years. I miss the country deeply and the culture and I loved how quiet overall the country was. Now I just sit and wait for an opportunity to present itself for me to finally leave the USA for good. Imagine falling in love with someone that means the world to you and having to be so far away. I am trying to raise funds to go back to Finland. My health felt more alive when I was abroad. My only hopes that I have someone willing to marry me abroad as this is the only way my dream will come true to get to Europe and be a resident of said country. I want my opportunity and luck to finally be on my side. I am not looking forward to another quarter of college as its not going to make my dreams a reality. What good is a 4.0 GPA and another piece of toilet paper going to do for me. Education does not open doors for some people only the rich get to accomplish their dreams. The American dream for me is to finally leave this place behind. I deserve better healthcare and I deserve happiness. Is there so much to ask for to be able to have better healthcare to heal from the damages that I go thru. I hope that this person I met will actually marry me as then a new chapter in my life can begin. I hate having to rely on someone else.

I am getting ready to give up trying to maintain the health that I have. I would rather die of AIDS than to prolong life with HIV meds. Society doesn’t want happiness for me. If society wanted me to exist then I would have been locked up in a jail cell by now. I can not handle working a job and going to school. I only do these things to distract the need for incarceration. These things can not do this for any longer and I am hoping I will pass away soon. I do not know what happiness is anymore. I have cried so many days and so many nights. I can not even have that special someone in my life. I am 30 years old and have lived way too long and have been judged for way to long. I did not ask to need a jail cell for happiness and it does not make me fucked up for needing one. I crave the simplicity in life that people sitting in jail have had for decades. All the people having all sorts of fun inside hurts me even more. I have begged cops to do their fucking jobs but they rather tell me I should kill myself or to commit tons of crimes. I have the right to happiness just like everyone else. I am not asking for something that difficult or impossible. I am asking to be inside a jail cell sleeping like many innocent people are. I would trade places with any inmate any day. I would love to be sleeping inside jail at this very second. Is there anyone out there that could make it happen as I am to poor to afford pay for stays.

I am ready to end this pain. I am so tired of being judged for wanting to be locked up in jail. I’m tired of being so fucking poor that I can’t have a jail cell to crawl into. If I had money it wouldn’t be so hard to get the therapy I need. Medication doesn’t work for therapy counseling hasn’t worked. Psych wards aren’t an option as they don’t lock you up in a room and keep you from going anywhere. I can’t find anyone to lock me in bondage. I never asked to be such an unaccepeted person in society. I don’t fit in I can’t find a job can’t find enough money to make ends meet. I have no one to help me and no support for what I need. I don’t have money to be giving to people that can lock me up. Being poor makes it impossible to get the therapy I need which is a jail cell. People send me a message saying they can help on Instagram just trying to ask me for money when I don’t have any. If someone really understood that my life has no meaning without a jail cell to be locked into I don’t know what to say. Tears of pain the lack of sleep it’s getting to me. Is there anyone that can get me locked up tonight so I can finally feel secured and heal from the pain.