I will Never Matter

The pain of feeling like I do not matter in this world and it is the hardest thing one like me goes thru every day. Imagine a life when you feel like you do not matter and have to cry yourself to sleep and can not feel the happiness one should be able to feel. I went to the grocery store and felt so disappointed in myself and my existence and wondered why I even bother trying anymore. I wish I could have been that pup in that hood, and with someone that wanted me. The pain I feel because I was born in a country where I can not be myself and have to be something I am not. I never felt this way abroad because there I actually mattered as a person and was valued for what I am. Not looked at for being HIV positive and actually had people date me. I do not plan to continue my HIV care anymore as I do not want to continue to be apart of this cruel world all alone. I do not deserve to feel this pain anymore and I wish I could leave America forever. I live in constant hurt and have no friends in America. I have to have something that is not possible to find without committing a crime. I should not have to do something wrong to be able to be sleeping confined and locked in a cage. I wish I was lucky like all those inmates sleeping in their jail cells getting everything taken care of. I wish I was being handcuffed and restrained and given a set of structures, but that is not possible because I have ethics and morals that I just can not do crimes. I pay just like every other taxpayer for the comforts of them and yet when I need it mentally and physically I can not have it as I never matter.

I do not matter to the police who have told me to kill myself and that I was crazy for wanting to be locked in a jail cell. I have a society not understanding me and having different needs. I can not even go into a grocery store not being alone and unimportant or like I even exist. I felt so hurt and have been crying all night since I saw that person have what I crave and want. Seeing that guy inside a pup hood with the pawprint tattoos made me wish I was him. He had someone that was his handler and someone that wants him for him. I fucking am so over the dating apps because in America I can not get what I crave. I can not even have someone to keep me restrained and secured at night. I get the worst medical care in a country that is supposed to be developed but really is not. I have to work a job that does not treat me like I even matter. I have to face all this pain and can not even have a break from all the stress of reality. I hope soon I can have what makes me happy and feel like I matter. I wish being able to go in jail was a right and that I was lucky like all the news reporters who can go in without a record. Or be lucky like those people on the seasons of 60 Days In cause I never have luck and never have the chances of a lifetime. If it’s so fucking bad then let me see for myself and give me a chance to do it without fucking up a clean record as the stigma of having marks on it makes life even worse. In Europe being in jail does not ruin your life but in America, even a fucking misdemeanor can result in no job offers. 

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