I am saying goodbye to the pain the suffering the inability to have what I need. I am always denied everything that makes me happy. I can not get decent health care. I am unable to be able to live in Europe which would solve the majority of my problems. I need safety and need medical care but that is not a fundamental right in America. I can not even afford to get on an ankle monitor as I am too poor. I can not even have someone that loves me in America. I get played with for 6+ months by a person in Finland and no one does anything to help. People are too fucking self-conceited to actually help someone in need. I wish I could be locked up in a prison cell and happy. I wish I could be like those on the show 60 Days In as they have it made and get to experience what I want. I can not get back to Finland where I am the happiest I had ever been in years. Is there anyone in this world who wants me.

I will Never Matter

The pain of feeling like I do not matter in this world and it is the hardest thing one like me goes thru every day. Imagine a life when you feel like you do not matter and have to cry yourself to sleep and can not feel the happiness one should be able to feel. I went to the grocery store and felt so disappointed in myself and my existence and wondered why I even bother trying anymore. I wish I could have been that pup in that hood, and with someone that wanted me. The pain I feel because I was born in a country where I can not be myself and have to be something I am not. I never felt this way abroad because there I actually mattered as a person and was valued for what I am. Not looked at for being HIV positive and actually had people date me. I do not plan to continue my HIV care anymore as I do not want to continue to be apart of this cruel world all alone. I do not deserve to feel this pain anymore and I wish I could leave America forever. I live in constant hurt and have no friends in America. I have to have something that is not possible to find without committing a crime. I should not have to do something wrong to be able to be sleeping confined and locked in a cage. I wish I was lucky like all those inmates sleeping in their jail cells getting everything taken care of. I wish I was being handcuffed and restrained and given a set of structures, but that is not possible because I have ethics and morals that I just can not do crimes. I pay just like every other taxpayer for the comforts of them and yet when I need it mentally and physically I can not have it as I never matter.

I do not matter to the police who have told me to kill myself and that I was crazy for wanting to be locked in a jail cell. I have a society not understanding me and having different needs. I can not even go into a grocery store not being alone and unimportant or like I even exist. I felt so hurt and have been crying all night since I saw that person have what I crave and want. Seeing that guy inside a pup hood with the pawprint tattoos made me wish I was him. He had someone that was his handler and someone that wants him for him. I fucking am so over the dating apps because in America I can not get what I crave. I can not even have someone to keep me restrained and secured at night. I get the worst medical care in a country that is supposed to be developed but really is not. I have to work a job that does not treat me like I even matter. I have to face all this pain and can not even have a break from all the stress of reality. I hope soon I can have what makes me happy and feel like I matter. I wish being able to go in jail was a right and that I was lucky like all the news reporters who can go in without a record. Or be lucky like those people on the seasons of 60 Days In cause I never have luck and never have the chances of a lifetime. If it’s so fucking bad then let me see for myself and give me a chance to do it without fucking up a clean record as the stigma of having marks on it makes life even worse. In Europe being in jail does not ruin your life but in America, even a fucking misdemeanor can result in no job offers. 

I do not want to see another second of my life anymore. I do not get the opportunities I need unlike others in this world. How come others in this world have the option to declare asylum in other countries but as an American citizen has no right to do such. I am being persecuted every day for things out of my control. I should not have to be unable to work because I am on disability benefits. Why was I born in such a disgusting culture full of nasty and evil people? America is not the land of freedom or opportunity unless you are apart of the working class and the elite. Who thinks that healthcare is a luxury in this world? Why should I not be able to have a job because I’m unable to work over so many hours and am restricted by the income I make. I miss the ability to not have to worry about things and now I just struggle nonstop.

I am hurting and griefing so much as I have lost my Congo African Grey named Wicker. He was the joy of my life and would cheer me up when I was all alone and now I have nothing left. I can not even be in Finland where I also felt happy. I am lost without my feathered companion and I can not afford to replace him with another African Grey as I am on disability. I am crying so much from the abrupt loss to my baby it’s not the same waking up not hearing him speaking and whistling. He died of heart disease and intestine cancer. With the COVID-19 pandemic going on in this world I have suffered greatly and lost the closest companion in my life. This decade I hope will come to an end soon enough as the pain is not getting any better.

I am tired of waking up all alone and hurting daily. I want to feel having my happiness back. I was meant to be living in Europe, not in the United States. I go to work and come home almost every day and cry myself to pieces. I wish I was special and had the opportunity to move to Finland. I wish I could make someone happy as I am just useless. I wish was put into jail for the rest of my life at least then I can be happy and feel safe and confined. I want to be controlled and have a structured environment. I wish I was able to live inside a small room with concrete surrounding me and my toilet in the same room with a metal bed and a thin pad upon it. I wish one day my dreams would become a reality. I wish was able to afford to be locked up on an gps ankle monitor as well but being poor sucks.

I wish I was worthy to be loved and to be wanted. I wish that I could have my happiness back but what good ever comes to those who do good for others? I have gone out of my way so many times to help people and when I need it I can not find it. I am all alone in this world and am tired of fighting for a life where I have to be all alone. I don’t have anything left to keep going for as I can not get to live in Europe. People would rather make sure I am made fun of daily in America. I get so fed up with people playing there games and I am going to fly away from here as soon as I get another 4,000 bucks to spend a couple of months abroad. I don’t want to die all alone anymore and I regret that I even came back cause now I’m dying in pain. I have no fucking friends in this country. I have nothing left when I finally die and that will make the best happiness anyone could ever want. I do not need any more pain in my life and don’t deserve to be left like this. Fucking sick of others playing there games and not letting me have my happiness. I wish I had jumped on the metro rail in Helsinki, Finland as I would have left this world happy and with people around me instead I come back to America where no one cares about me and I am crying myself to sleep every night. I wish I was not led on by losers who really do not help or care to be real. I want to be locked up in restraints and locked in a jail cell. I want to feel safe and secure and have my happiness as well. I wish I was worthy of something and not such a failure in life.

I wish I had the opportunity of a lifetime to be able to be loved and wanted in life. I wish that someone would give me that chance in Europe. I have nothing left in life to keep going for. I have shitty medical care and live in a third world country called America. This place is the worst country in the world that I have sadly lived 31 years to long in. The New Years will mark the end of the pain as I will no longer have medications for my life. I will no longer have what I need to fight anymore. I will no longer be able to have the basics in life. I will no longer see happiness as it has been ripped beneath me by some cruel people. I wanted to live in Finland and never will have that opportunity my skills are not good enough for anyone. I am told that I should kill myself daily and not even held or loved. I will say goodbye soon as I no longer need to live in a world of pain and hurt.

I hate how my time was wasted by this piece of utmost garbage who is unable to love. I wish I could have my life be important to someone as I am going to die in America from the lack of healthcare. I have no friends here in this dump country and am left to die. I wish there was someone that would actually help. I am tired of this I care bullshit and I want to help you but when it comes to committing an action they do not actually do what is needed to help. I can not wait as karma will come back to those who fucked me over. Being selfish is great for the person who is being selfish but not for the one who tried to care for a deadbeat. I wish never spent seven dates with a fucking loser who can not love. I fucking have to die because I can not be in Europe. I want to fucking die today and not have to suffer this pain. If I am so special then why am I treated like I am a piece of garbage. I wish I could be in the ground not having to feel these emotions anymore because I am all alone.

I’m so alone and wishing was wanted in my life. I want to live in Finland and am tired of the abuse I get from others back in America. I wish I had a resident permit to stay but can not find anyone who isn’t selfish to give me that opportunity. I wish I was blessed with a better life but seems like I will die in the hell of my own country. Why is it others can find a job and a better life versus me? Why is it so hard to find my chance? I see others have opportunities that don’t take advantage of what they have. I’d gladly learn Finnish language if I could live here. I’m so tired of the pain and hurt of having no one in America care about me.

I guess people just don’t care about me enough to make a commitment. I didn’t ask for any of the issues I deal with. I just want one fucking opportunity to be able to live in happiness. Is it too much to ask to be given even one year abroad and an opportunity to be in Europe? I dream of living in Finland and to have my happiness. I am afraid the only option I have to end my suffering is to end the pain and give up living another day. I do not know why anyone should have to suffer in the way that I do. I should have the ability to have happiness and security just like everyone else. I really feel like there is nothing left to keep fighting for. I just have nothing left to keep going for anymore. I do not want to have to leave Finland but there is never a miracle for people like me. It’s the people in United Shits of Assholes that is the hugest problem. A country that is full of the most downright nasty diseased people that are all in it for themselves. The medical in America sucks and they are slowly killing me. I am told by doctors I deserve to live in pain and then am left with no recourse for my health. I really do not want to continue to live in a country where being disabled is a crime and that they have to continue to suffer.