What is Happiness?

Things in life just never get better as time goes on. Where is my miracle in life to have happiness in life? I see others getting the basic life I need and crave in life. I deserve to have that safety and security just like people in jail have. The system is so unfair to the disabled population in USA as there is not sufficient help to allow me to live independently. Inmates get everything handed to them because they commit crimes and have luxuries unlike me. They get true freedom from everyday responsibilities and get free food, shelter, medical, activities, and clothing. I wish I could trade places with anyone of them inmates. I wish I was locked up and able to know what is happiness in life. I would love to be confined and have the bondage they get daily and the structured lifestyle. I can not even get any person to lock me up in bondage which is calming to me. People constantly judge me for being poor, disabled, and being HIV+. This is not fair to me whatsoever to be treated like I am absolutely fucking useless in life. I did not choose to be born on this planet. I also did not choose to be born in the country with the most selfish, greedy assholes that I have ever met. Seems like people want to always one up and make fun of the people who are not so fortunate and blessed in life.

Freedom is ultimately found within the walls of a jail cell and sadly are given to the elite of society.  Why is it that I should have to commit crimes to have the answer to what is happiness? Society does not want me happy in life and it sucks so much. I hate being disabled and living on poverty wages and not being able to have a good paying job. I want to be in chains right now and to have happiness back and have the structure that I need. I wish I did not have to be rejected by others and told how fucking useless that I am. Words can hurt people more than you think and are you really that much better than the person your saying such vile comments to. I need confinement as it helps reduce the anxiety and helps me feel safety and security. I love being locked down and I honestly do not get enough of it. The feeling of being locked up in a jail cell would ease the pain and create so much happiness in my life. If someone would even lock me in a heavy steel cage and keep me restrained in bondage it could help. I would be so happy to be taken into custody and given the jail cell. To have the comfortable clothes and be able to wear them all the time would be amazing. Since one can not wear them in public it sucks so much without getting into more issues.

I wish someone would come take me away and lock me up for the rest of my useless life. To be able to be restrained and controlled is the solution in life but no one will make this a reality. I wish I was that lucky slave who right now is being a gimp hooded and restrained for my life. To be able to become what I was meant for life and to remain gagged and restrained. I would love to be in a cage in heavy irons and just be able to focus on what makes me happy and have a purpose. I want to be able to not have to worry about this cruel world. I wish that I was never born in America cause no one here in this country needs me at all. I hope that when I go to Finland that I will never have to come back here because its hell on Earth in America. Having hardly anyone that cares how I feel here and being alone sucks. 

take me to jail and Give Freedom!

I do not fit in with society whatsoever and need my therapy to help my life. I do not understand why it is so hard to take me to jail. People do not grasp the need for confinement and think that medications work for everything. News flash they really fucking don’t work for anything and they are more of a guessing game than true therapy. Then there are the spiritual ones that believe in some fucking GOD who is not in my opinion real at all. I know of no higher being that would want to cause suffering that the world has caused. This is purely a version of hell and I honestly want to leave this hell behind for the rest of my life. I want what freedom really is and that’s only given to those who get to live their lives locked up in luxurious facilities such as jails or prisons. I will never have my dream of having someone who loves me in this dump of a country called the USA. I would love to see this country broken up it’s too big and is one of the worst countries in the world. Healthcare is atrocious and the lack of benefits that are afforded to the disabled is even worse. Over-priced education and the lack of programs available for a disabled person to live self-sufficient and have their own small place to live themselves is just plain evil. I wish I lived in a country that cared about healthcare rights and not trying to drain the $854 I have to survive on every month to go to doctors. Just the basics such as a car payment to get from point A to B is $530 dollars and that’s not including the $120 dollars in insurance for that vehicle alone. Who the hell can survive and afford rent that is easily over $600 just for a room for rent. I do not even know what it’s like to have my own place to myself. It should not be a luxury to have my own place at an income that I can afford. The whole system is set up to fail someone who wants the ability to have their own place. I miss having my own studio apartment at times. I miss having the ability to have reliable public transit and not having to worry about driving a vehicle that sucks money that I do not have without the help of working a part-time job on top of living rent-free. Without that, I would be doomed and could not survive.

To understand what a person goes thru you need to first listen to what that person needs. Do not make assumptions that you think they need this therapy or that therapy.  How many times does someone have to state that they need confinement to feel security and structure? I can tell you my dream of immigrating to Europe is next to impossible but why does a jail cell have to be impossible to have. We give them to so many people that are innocent and they are treated better than people like me who keep a clean record. For what reason should I have to suffer the repercussions and go out and commit a crime to get my needed jail therapy. I have an ethical problem of not wanting to commit the crime to get arrested but I need someone to take me to jail. The freedom to not have to worry about the neverending decisions I must make on a daily basis. The ultimate dream and goal in life is to become the inmate that I must be. I would gladly take anyone place in jail and be locked up for them as I truthfully deserve to be incarcerated. I wish I had every luxurious thing they got from the food to the clothing to the comfortable matress they sleep on. Why was I even put on this planet to be living in this fucking hell? My freedom is taken away from me every single day because the cops and the useless society will not put me behind bars like I should be.

I would be so grateful the moment that an officer would come to detain me and put me in those wonderful handcuffs. The stress would be disappearing fast and the anxiety of not dealing with all this shit while the officer pats me down and get me in the cop car to take me to jail. I would finally have a smile on my face knowing that I can have all the comforts that those people have in jail. I so want to go thru booking and get my glamourous mug shot taken and get processed into the system. I would love to be awaiting my assignment into a cell and handing over my useless personal belongings in exchange for what is offered by the jail. I would be so happy to be given my jail bedroll and those clothes that have been worn by so many wondering inmates before me. I will never have this happiness cause my health matters to no one. My life is not important enough to get the finest luxuries that inmates are getting and to have the confinement I need for safety and security.

 Justice and Therapy Needed to Heal!

There is so much wrong with the society in which I am alive, especially the United Shits of Assholes. Who the fuck would want to be born in a country of people who are so selfish and do not care for the well being of someone else. A majority of Americans just want to see people with disabilities continue to suffer and wish they did not exist. I deserve the ability to have the justice and therapy needed for my situation. The guy who stole $650 bucks wins everything while I have no one to confine me and keep me safe. I wish I was never born then I would not have to worry about the justice and therapy needed every day in this hell called Earth. Every day I am struggling to even want to get out of bed or do basic tasks. I force myself to do things I do not even want to do to try and keep busy but for what reason. I live in so much pain and suffering that it never ends and every time I try to find a therapy option the joke is on me with my insurance company not covering the location that offers it. Want this therapy well it’s going to cost you 1600 bucks if we do cover the location you want to go to that’s not including the gas to travel back and forth daily. It is not relevant or going to happen that I can afford that and traveling 80 miles back and forth 5 days a week that kind of distance and fight with traffic.

There are other things that help my depression but the longer I remain stuck in the USA the longer my health will deteriorate to a point that I will constantly feel sick like I do every day. People can not understand severe depression until they are in the situation that I am in. The ignorance of people that think that what works for them works for others in which it does not. Imagine telling people what your needs are which are so fucking simple but they never do it. People just make fun of me and say I need to pray to a fictional GOD who some person made up to just control people. Then there are. the stupid people who make the comments that I need to love myself before others. Really that’s self-centered behavior which is what I am trying to get away from. Why does society think they always know what is best for someone. Medications do not work on the kind of depression that I have and the happiness I need comes from the ability to have freedom. The freedom to be locked up is the justice and therapy needed to have the healing and support to survive.

Most people would find that jail or a prison cell would not be therapy and would be the wrong environment for me. The problem is you not in my situation and has not been shaped to that need. The childhood I have gone thru being treated like a prisoner is what I know and that having all these decisions is making life harder. How is worrying about everything and all the decisions you have to make considered freedom. I find that I thrive better when I am restrained and secure in life. The fewer decisions I have to make the better on my mind. I can not find safety and security in the outside world and how would I being locked up in a jail hurt you. In fact, how is me being happy harming anyone I am disabled and have hardly any money to even have a great lifestyle. I can not afford even my own place especially on 850 dollars a month. I can barely afford a car payment and insurance let alone the credit card and internet and phone bill. I have to work a part-time job to cover the deficit and thanks to COVID I have to suffer every time I choose to work a shift now that my state has a dictator with enforced mask mandates.

Imagine having to remind yourself of the trauma of being almost choked to death with a cloth. I barely can even wear my muzzle in this pic and that has a breather hole in this one. The ability to not get the anxiety attacks and start panicking with a useless mask would make going to work easier. I am working the bare minimum that I have to and may just not even bother working at all and just stick with unemployment as my accommodations can not be made. I do not have the ability to work from home and with my compromised health I should not be working in a grocery store environment and the warehouse job I had wearing a mask just is not feasible when your moving heavy packages around. The pandemic is taking its toll dramatically and all I want to do is to be able to have a break from this shit. Let’s see how long my dictator governor will allow the ability to sit indoors in a restaurant or a coffee shop. I have no friends that care to spend time with me here and my medical health just is not going to get better. I want my jail cell so fucking badly and I think that the justice and therapy needed should be available to people like me. I can not change my opinion that this is not what I need until the reality of the situation happens and who knows maybe that is truly where my purpose in life is meant to be.

I can not find anyone in the gay bondage community to restrain me and keep me secure. The people in this state have so many attitudes that really need to burn to the ground. I hate passive-aggressive people as they fucking just do not get how much it’s unattractive. All the friends that I met physically only exist in foreign countries. I need what the inmates in the local jail have the comforts they get. The structure and the restraints the lack of all the decisions the ability to be free and be locked up and not have to worry about what to eat or where to go. I rather have a guard tell me what to do than have the decisions myself. I would do better in this environment would not have to feel the loneliness I feel. 

Robbed at Gunpoint!

picture of me

On Monday, December 7th, 2020 I became the victim of being involved in a robbery at gunpoint. I honestly wish that I never have had to experience that trauma of having a gun to my face. After so many successful transactions over the course of numerous years and meeting people I never would have expected what took place that evening. The amount of pain and the humiliation of having a gun to your face for no reason other than to steal money feels like shit. To literally be powerless to some thug who thinks it is ok to ruin someone’s life for the sake of $650 dollars. This amount of money is not easy to recover and I wish I would have been on the ground left dead. At least being dead I wouldn’t have to worry about the financial implications and the feeling of hopelessness that came from this situation.

I tried to meet inside a local Safeway which is a public place but when I came out the person was not there. I left the store after sending a text to the person asking where he was and got played to meet outside in the parking lot near a Dairy Queen. Turns out the guy was playing me the whole entire time for the entire transaction he comes running towards me with another guy and shows me an empty box I say no and start walking towards my car and he points a fucking gun to my face saying I am buying it no matter what. I said no again and he starts counting down saying I give my money or he shoots. Me being defenseless hands the cash hoping he goes away the guy starts walking away I try to get the license plate number from the car guy comes back demanding my phone and wallet at which point I start screaming help call 911 so loudly. I literally like you already got my cash what the hell you going do with either of em guy starts running again and the getaway driver. I called 911 as soon as they were in the car dealing with dispatch and the cops there in minutes. There were two witnesses to the ordeal but I still am waiting for the detective to produce a lead and find the perpetrator who robbed at gunpoint.

Having to pay more to a scalper for a PS5 Console is bad enough when you can not find the item on retail shelves due to bots and unfair retailer systems. The retailers are mostly to blame as well as Sony Corporation for allowing these behaviors. How hard would it have been to just simply batch orders out and let everyone order? Coronavirus is hard enough as it is but adding a lockdown and nothing else to do is just making matters worse. Having been robbed while being at gunpoint just sucks so much. I wanted a distraction from the everyday pain that I am going thru instead I got scammed. The guy if ever caught will get to get rewarded with the luxurious jail cell and eventually prison for it. Whereas the victim who was robbed at gunpoint which is me will continue to not have confinement happiness and security.  I want to be inside a jail cell so much and can not even get the cops to let me inside one. 


Lockdown and humanity is Trash. I want a PS5 now!

I a so tired of the low life scalpers who have nothing better to do than steal from those who really want to play the Sony Playstation 5. Why would you charge for a 499 dollar console upwards of 1500 bucks and keep buying them to screw everyone over during this lockdown? There is a special place in hell for those who are price gouging innocent people and taking advantage of those during a pandemic. I should not have to live anymore since I am stuck in a country full of greedy assholes that need 10 or more fucking consoles. Wish I could get one for retail as I am not rich enough to afford these prices. Most be nice to have that kind of money to afford one. I am disabled on a fixed income and am the one most disadvantaged by these greedy assholes.

I guess I do not belong in this world and should give up existing on the planet. I wish I was never even born because I am useless and not needed. I wish I didn’t have to be harrassed by people because I want to play a fucking video game console. What kind of people are so low that they won’t even give me a chance in life to have one at an affordable level. I guess leaving this world is the only way to not have to wake up to the evil and the pain. I should just give up my medications I can not be confined inside a jail cell either. Instead, I’m confined to a fucking hell hole. I wish there was a decent human being that let me have a console for the holidays but this lockdown and humanity is trash. How hard is it to give someone a chance to have some fun and to stay safe inside during the COVID pandemic. I just hope they enjoy the suffering they have caused me and others for the sake of extra cash. What a scumbag way to make money this year. I find those who block me for making an offer of 600 dollars which is 100 more than retail cost and 50 more than taxes fair enough. I find it rude and disgusting you also would say that this is the market demand price when you know what you are doing is illegal and highly immoral. I hate how you destroy people and say there poor because they can not pay your outrageous prices and that this is the only way to make money during a pandemic. Or your Cashapp scams. Anyone willing to donate me a PS5.

Adidas Jeremy Scott Shoes

I will Never Matter

The pain of feeling like I do not matter in this world and it is the hardest thing one like me goes thru every day. Imagine a life when you feel like you do not matter and have to cry yourself to sleep and can not feel the happiness one should be able to feel. I went to the grocery store and felt so disappointed in myself and my existence and wondered why I even bother trying anymore. I wish I could have been that pup in that hood, and with someone that wanted me. The pain I feel because I was born in a country where I can not be myself and have to be something I am not. I never felt this way abroad because there I actually mattered as a person and was valued for what I am. Not looked at for being HIV positive and actually had people date me. I do not plan to continue my HIV care anymore as I do not want to continue to be apart of this cruel world all alone. I do not deserve to feel this pain anymore and I wish I could leave America forever. I live in constant hurt and have no friends in America. I have to have something that is not possible to find without committing a crime. I should not have to do something wrong to be able to be sleeping confined and locked in a cage. I wish I was lucky like all those inmates sleeping in their jail cells getting everything taken care of. I wish I was being handcuffed and restrained and given a set of structures, but that is not possible because I have ethics and morals that I just can not do crimes. I pay just like every other taxpayer for the comforts of them and yet when I need it mentally and physically I can not have it as I never matter.

I do not matter to the police who have told me to kill myself and that I was crazy for wanting to be locked in a jail cell. I have a society not understanding me and having different needs. I can not even go into a grocery store not being alone and unimportant or like I even exist. I felt so hurt and have been crying all night since I saw that person have what I crave and want. Seeing that guy inside a pup hood with the pawprint tattoos made me wish I was him. He had someone that was his handler and someone that wants him for him. I fucking am so over the dating apps because in America I can not get what I crave. I can not even have someone to keep me restrained and secured at night. I get the worst medical care in a country that is supposed to be developed but really is not. I have to work a job that does not treat me like I even matter. I have to face all this pain and can not even have a break from all the stress of reality. I hope soon I can have what makes me happy and feel like I matter. I wish being able to go in jail was a right and that I was lucky like all the news reporters who can go in without a record. Or be lucky like those people on the seasons of 60 Days In cause I never have luck and never have the chances of a lifetime. If it’s so fucking bad then let me see for myself and give me a chance to do it without fucking up a clean record as the stigma of having marks on it makes life even worse. In Europe being in jail does not ruin your life but in America, even a fucking misdemeanor can result in no job offers. 

I do not want to see another second of my life anymore. I do not get the opportunities I need unlike others in this world. How come others in this world have the option to declare asylum in other countries but as an American citizen has no right to do such. I am being persecuted every day for things out of my control. I should not have to be unable to work because I am on disability benefits. Why was I born in such a disgusting culture full of nasty and evil people? America is not the land of freedom or opportunity unless you are apart of the working class and the elite. Who thinks that healthcare is a luxury in this world? Why should I not be able to have a job because I’m unable to work over so many hours and am restricted by the income I make. I miss the ability to not have to worry about things and now I just struggle nonstop.

I am hurting and griefing so much as I have lost my Congo African Grey named Wicker. He was the joy of my life and would cheer me up when I was all alone and now I have nothing left. I can not even be in Finland where I also felt happy. I am lost without my feathered companion and I can not afford to replace him with another African Grey as I am on disability. I am crying so much from the abrupt loss to my baby it’s not the same waking up not hearing him speaking and whistling. He died of heart disease and intestine cancer. With the COVID-19 pandemic going on in this world I have suffered greatly and lost the closest companion in my life. This decade I hope will come to an end soon enough as the pain is not getting any better.

I am saying goodbye to the pain the suffering the inability to have what I need. I am always denied everything that makes me happy. I can not get decent health care. I am unable to be able to live in Europe which would solve the majority of my problems. I need safety and need medical care but that is not a fundamental right in America. I can not even afford to get on an ankle monitor as I am too poor. I can not even have someone that loves me in America. I get played with for 6+ months by a person in Finland and no one does anything to help. People are too fucking self-conceited to actually help someone in need. I wish I could be locked up in a prison cell and happy. I wish I could be like those on the show 60 Days In as they have it made and get to experience what I want. I can not get back to Finland where I am the happiest I had ever been in years. Is there anyone in this world who wants me.

I am tired of waking up all alone and hurting daily. I want to feel having my happiness back. I was meant to be living in Europe, not in the United States. I go to work and come home almost every day and cry myself to pieces. I wish I was special and had the opportunity to move to Finland. I wish I could make someone happy as I am just useless. I wish was put into jail for the rest of my life at least then I can be happy and feel safe and confined. I want to be controlled and have a structured environment. I wish I was able to live inside a small room with concrete surrounding me and my toilet in the same room with a metal bed and a thin pad upon it. I wish one day my dreams would become a reality. I wish was able to afford to be locked up on an gps ankle monitor as well but being poor sucks.